Songs from the Pan-American Highway

Travellin’ Song (Oregon) [From Part Seven]

[Musically a cross between and Irish Reel and ‘Granma’s Feather Bed’ - Tempo is to a Rohloff speed hub in 9^th gear at 13 miles an hour - therefore equivalent to Allegro Moderato. Full score available for Kazoo, Jaw Harp, Banjo, Jug and Bush bass]

I done wrote me a travelin’ song

I’m gonna sing it while I pedal along

The tune is simple and the words they all fit…

So while I’m a pedalin’ I’m gonna sing it.

.

Oh, I done wrote me a travelin’ song

I’m gonna sing it while I pedal along

You may not like it; or think that it’s shhhiiiiiittttt…..

But it’s a travelin’ song and it can’t be unwrit.

 

[Banjo solo]

 

Bobby and Woody they jump on a train

Sit on their arses and jump off again

If that’s what’s meant by hard travelaiin…

I’ll jump on board and out of the rain.

 

Now I’ve dodged moose and caribou

Half-blind truckers and a bear or two

We come from Deadhorse and South we go

All on down to Tier, del Fuego

 

[Jaw-harp Solo – tattooed girls dancing Strip-the-willow]

Oh, I done wrote me a travelin’ song.

I’m gonna sing it while I pedal along.

You may not like it, or think it’s shit

But it’s a travelin’ song and it can’t be unwrit….

[Kazoo Solo – more girls doing Strip the Willow]

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Ode to the Abigail Hotel (San Fransisco) [From Part  Nine]

‘Ohhhh Theee… Abigail Hotel is a load of shit

Be very thankful if you’re not in it,

Heating doesn’t work so get a  blankit

Toilet’s stuffed and its not fixed yit…’

.

Bag Stuffin’ Woman (after Cat Stevens) San Fransisco [From Part Nine]

I’m lookin’ for a bag-stuffin’ woman,

One to stuff my sleepin’ bag-a-a-ag….

And when I find that bag-stuffin’ woman,

I won’t be stuffin’ my own Sleepin' bahag, no, no. no-o-o I wo-n't

 

I’m lookin’ for a bag-stuffin’ woman, [- stuffin’ woman]

I can cook and do the rest, -est -est,

When I find that bag-stuffin’ woman,

I’m goin’ ta watch her get undressed – yes, yes, yes….yes I will…

I know a lot of fancy campers,
people claiming they’re hardcore –ore, -ore.
They move so smooth but aren’t good sleeping bag stuffers
When you ask “Why’d you come here for?”
“I don’t know” “Why?” ……

[Blues: piano, bass, guitar, harmonica, kazoo]

 

Ode to Tenderloin (San Fransisco) [From Part Nine]

Oh Tenderloin,

You’re tough but you engender….

in me such feelings of delight,…

The boys trans-gendering,

Its very lovely in the Spring

In good ol’ Tenderloin.

 

Oh Tenderloin,

Despite the odor of urine

It’s back to you that I do pine…..

to beee, if only fleetinglyyy….

and mumble incessantly

in good ol’ Tenderloin.

 

Oh Tenderloin,

Your lollies metholated

stir feelings constipated…

of psychosis, schitzophenia

in me,… or him,

in good ol’ Tenderloin.

 

Oh Tenderloin,

Ideas rarely sensible

words incomprehensible

to me,…it’s great to be

so very very fleetingly,

in good ol’ Tenderloin.

Song for The Los Pinas Hotel in Calpulalpan (Mexico) [ From Part Twenty Four]

Ohhhhhh……Calpulalpan is hard to pronounce

And there aren’t many words that rhyme with pronounce

Not one to let that stand in the way

The whores are so fat ‘cus they’re paid by the ounce

 

The old mama-san at the Los Pinas

Is not adverse to a bit of penis

She doesn’t like bikes, even though she’s one

But her tires are flat and so are her buns.

 

Her head’s all wrinkled and her gut’s full of sperm

Some has been there since the century’s turn

But there’s always room for a little bit mooooorrrrrreeeee…….

If you’ve got 10 pesos then she’s your whore.

[Kazoo solo accompanied by tattooed fat slags doing a polka -  if available]

..

>>

Blues song for the gringo hippies of Flores (in E minor) [from Part Twenty Seven]

[Bongos, didgeridoo, fire dancer, guitar]

Now, my thinking’s kind-a hazy

But my gaze is real intense

I’m spouting spaced-out gibberish

and none of it makes sense

 

I got them…..

Meaningless crap spoutin’ gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

Yeah dem meaningless crap spoutin’ gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

You think its drug-addled jibber

More like Jean-Paul Sartre meets Rodney Rude

 

Now, I’ve given up on bathing

I’m hard on the ol’ whiffer

I’d like to think I smell like spring

But others beg to differ

 

I got them,….

Plain ol’ BO, bad smellin’, gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

Yeah dem plain ol’ BO, bad smellin’, gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

I blame the dog for fartin’,

But my shit-catchers’ gone and caught dem poos

 

[2 hour Bongo and Didgeridoo solo]

 

Now, I like to play the bongos

Don’t need to play ‘em well

I can play the same for hours and hours

And bore the place to hell

 

I got them….

Borin’, non-stoppin’, irritatin’, gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

Yeah dem borin’, non-stoppin’, irritatin’, gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

You hear a no talent loser,

I hear Mozart’s symphony for bongo and didgeridoos…

 

[another hour of bongo solo]

 

Now, I’ll sell you bits of crystal

They got a mystic aura

The power to make me more the rich

And you the more the poorer

 

I got them…..

Floggin off chipped-glass-crap gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

Yeah dem floggin off chipped-glass-crap gringo hippie in Guatemala blues

 [Repeat ad nausium ad infinitum]

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It Ever You’re Passing Through Colón [From Part Thirty - Panama]

If ever you’re passing through Colón

Don’t get stuck too long

Watch out for the crud and the muck there

And try to ignore the pong.

.

If ever you’re passing through Colón

Don’t linger there too long

Give a wallet or a finger or two

And be glad that it wasn’t your schlong

————————

As I move southwards through Peru the hats are coming down in size, high conical Fedoras replacing the heavy white brims of the Big Hats, some even boasting colourful plastic flowers. Before putting a full stop on the time in Northern Peru, however, and particularly that spent in Big Hat country, (by popular demand – at least one person requested it), here is a Big Hat song.  Martin Luther King once famously said he dreamed of a time when a man would be judged, “not by the kilos of his brim but the content of his carrot cart”, and I like to think that he was thinking of the Big Hats when he said that.

From the writing team that brought you classics such as ‘Bag Stuffin Woman’ and ‘I killed a Dog & I Liked It’, comes ‘Big Hat Song’:

[played at a sprightly beat and the mandatory bush-bass, garbage bin drums, three string guitar, banjo and kazoo combination recommended if available]

If you come to Big Hat land

Take photos of the trees

Cause coming here to meet the folks

Will anything but please.

>>

They put the half in half-wit

Plucked ‘I’ out of IQ

Give so much more to Moron

They haven’t got a clue.

>>

Now, if you want to dig some gold

But Big Hats in your way

Just buy ‘em off with a couple of grams

And have a happy day (hey!!).

>>

They put the half in half-wit

Plucked ‘I’ out of IQ,

Give so much more to Moron

Oh, they haven’t got a clue.

>>

They get no mail from MENSA

Gorm and feck don’t get a start

But what they do and what they say

Ain’t gonna be too smart.

>>

Oh, they put the ‘half in half-wit

Plucked ‘I’ out of IQ

Give so much more to Moron

Oh, they haven’t got a clue.